Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Johan Cruyff: The Man, The Myth, The Legend



Johan Cruyff, or for the more historically correct fans, Hendrick Johannes Cruijff. One of the greatest footballers ever, if you disagree, you don't know your shit. This dude invents moves, reinvents football, and just plain shits on people with his foot skills. Anyone who grew up playing soccer, and had a good coach, definitely will remember learning the Cruyff turn. Yeah, that's this guy. Look at that lettuce, epic. For those of you who are still doubters, this guy won the Ballon d'Or three times. Only three other players have done that, Lionel Messi being one of them. Cruyff was a child of Total Football, a philosophy that was based on no set positions, allowing players to move freely filling in for one another to keep form. Changed the game. Dude, won Eurpoean Player of the Century, that's right a century. Would've won World Player of the Century if it weren't for some guy named Pele. His clubs included Ajax, Barcelona, and the Los Angeles Aztecs. Yeah, he played for the MLS, before it was the MLS, that's how legendary he is. Check out the video above, and yeah he doesn't always score in the video, but let me tell you, the shit this guy is doing with the ball is ten times more difficult then scoring on a big ass fucking net. Peace.

BREAKING NEWS


Sky Sports always on top of things. Will update you guys throughout the day on this developing story which is sure to include lots of running and kicking of balls.



In other news, some guy named Paulinho managed to show up too.


Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Zlatan Being Zlatan




So this picture has been making the rounds over the past few days. It was taken after this weekend's friendly between PSG and Real Madrid. So many questions here. Mainly, why is he wearing a sports bra? And also, why is he not wearing any pants? I'm not sure we will ever get answers. Maybe him and Carlo Ancelotti were lovers until the latter spurned him for Madrid and he wanted to give him a taste of what he's been missing. Or maybe he's been mixed up in some gender blurred French fashion scene for too long. Most likely though it's just Zlatan being Zlatan.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Usain Bolt Tells Newborn Prince Harsh Truths

"The 26-year-old sprint hero, who has relatives in the West Midlands, said: “The British royal family are great people - and I’ve been fortunate enough to meet some of them.
“I want to give all my best to the Prince and Duchess on their firstborn.
“I just hope he doesn’t follow in his daddy’s footsteps and become an Aston Villa fan. It isn’t fair to put a child through that - especially not a prince.”

No shit.  Not sure Usain's connection to the Royal Family is that strong but glad 
to see his concern.

What's Golden?


So the U.S. steamrolled it's way through the Gold Cup in quite historic fashion. They were never truly tested throughout the tournament, held a dominating goal differential and have waltzed their way to an all-time best 11 game winning streak. Ho hum. While there were two 1-0 wins in the tournament, there was a seemingly inevitable attitude that existed throughout all the games that it was just a matter of time before the U.S. scored and eventually won. Make no mistake, this is a good thing. In order for the U.S. to take the next step in becoming a true world power, CONCACAF must become an afterthought...a trial run through peasants before facing the true powerhouses across the pond. We've seen through a fairly dominant WCQ run so far and a walk through the Gold Cup that this may just be starting to become the case. Thank you JK. Anyway, I was going to do a write-up about the game yesterday with player ratings but for one, I'm feeling lazy and a two, I thought it would be more important to just talk about the players who have forced themselves into the conversation for when WCQ starts back up in 2 months (took me less than 2 seconds to convince myself of that).


LD - This is so much of a no-brainer that even JK said in the post-game press conference yesterday that it was the case. 5 goals and 8 assists in 6 games. You name it, he did it. Captain America. He should be an absolute lock to not only make the team but most likely will start. Who he will kick out of the starting XI is Jurgen's decision, but I'd like to see Zusi stay and E.Johnson/Fab to be bumped out assuming he puts him on the wing.

Wondobitch - Jozy is our #1. Or should I say our #9. But behind him, there's been a long inconsistent line. Names like Gomez and Buddle come to mind. I think Wondo is our second best striker. He might not have the overall ability of a top striker but he has the Chicharito-esque quality of always being in the right place at the right time and I think that's very important for a potential supersub. He deserves a shot.

Kyle Beckerman - Between rolling j's and growing hemp, Beckerman found enough time to put in a couple decent shifts over the past 3 weeks. He never over-extended himself and did what he was asked to do well. Things such as his distribution have often been criticized but he provided a couple nice assists and seemed sharp on the ball. I think he can push for a spot in midfield if he pushes his potential.

Brek Shea- Jon's favorite player. In truth, the kid had a little too much hype when he came up 2 years ago and deservedly so with the way he played off the bat. Inconsistency has showed at times probably because of a combination of youth and lack of club playing time (he has only made 2 appearances for Stoke City since moving in the January window). But he grew into himself throughout the Gold Cup. He made the difference in the title game and scored 2 decisive goals in the tournament including the one to win it all. Definitely has a place in the team going forward.

Special shoutout to Stu Holden who would have made the list but for his injury yesterday which JK noted looked "very serious." I really hope not. Guy can't catch a fucking break.






Sunday, July 28, 2013

Huge Bale of Cash Coming Tottenham's Way



To the tune of £100 million.  How do you not do this deal if you're Tottenham, assuming they care at all about Gareth Bale as a person, soccer player, and someone who has given so much to this club over his brief yet incendiary career?  He's had a phenomenal run and is clearly a world class player, quite possibly the 3rd best in the world after CR and Messi.  And he's stayed loyal to Tottenham as long as he can, respecting his contract and never pushing for a move even though he was clearly a man amongst boys (and buffoons, see: Emmanuel "I'm Legitimately Retarded" Adebayor).  It's time for Tottenham to face reality and realize that they quite simply just aren't a good enough club for a player of this caliber.  A player like Bale deserves the world's biggest stage. Since he may never get to play in a World Cup due to unfortunately being Welsh, this means the Champions League.  Sorry Spurs fans, but enough is enough.  Either be incredibly selfish and reject the bid (only to lose him next summer anyways) or do the right and honorable thing and let Bale go to the greener pastures of the world's most valuable and exclusive annual competition.  Take the money and run now.  Count the tears later.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Happiest Place On Earth

The happiest place on earth? Not so much. I for one never thought Disney World to be the happiest place on earth. To be honest, place is fucking creepy. However, a youth soccer game hosted at Disney World spiraled out of control as grandfathers, players, and parents began throwing punches as an innocent game turned into a violent brawl. One kid supposedly suffered a concussion and had to be taken to the hospital. Also, there are several accusations of grandfathers assaulting young children and one grandparent who was punched in the chest and suffered damage to his pacemaker. This is comedy gold. I know it probably shouldn't be viewed that way but come on, let's be real. In a sport where physicality is lacking, this is exactly what we need from time to time to keep some sort of respect. Below is a YouTube link to the video. Fucking blog wouldn't let me load it. 

Cristiano Ronaldo Can Kick A Soccer Ball


Yahoo! Sports - A Cristiano Ronaldo free kick during Real Madrid' 6-0 win at Bournemouth to start their preseason broke the wrist of an 11-year-old fan in two place. Though Ronaldo went on to score twice, one of his trademark free kicks early on in the match went just over the crossbar and hit young Charlie Silverwood on the arm (thanks, in part, to his dad ducking instead of trying to shield his son from the rocket ball).

This is hysterical, also, impressive. Ronaldo fails to guide the ball into the net, but he can hit a kid square on his wrist no problem. Hope that kid isn't a lefty or his lap hog's going to be pretty lonely this summer. You got to give props to the kid though, one tough son of a bitch. He stayed for the rest of the game instead of going to the hospital, and from the looks of it just shook it off like it was no big deal. 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Babysit Me!


As an Arsenal and AD fan, this kinda sucks.

Note: that's Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain on the left for the unitiated (probably England's top young player, close second being Rahim "The Dream" Sterling)



Friday, July 19, 2013

Messi On The Move?


215 mil nuclear release clause.  Ridiculous.  And possibly validated.  How do you even value the greatest player of all time in his prime? Just annihilates all other transfers if this goes through. Rooney who? Suarez what? Higuain donde?

PS- What a power move from France.  Didn't know they had it in them, might completely erase their pussy persona from the history books.

Double PS- Forgot PSG's owner was a mogul from Qatar.  The French are still pussies.

Triple (whattt) PS- Besides Arsene "Le Hair" Wenger


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

One Month

Let It Snow



"Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!" This was Tuesday nights battle cry, as United States fans heckled Costa Rican families in hopes to see a victory that would clench Group C for the US. Coming off a 4-1 victory over Cuba, spirits were high for the United States faithful. However, the players knew Costa Rica would provide a much greater challenge.

Despite being outnumbered by Costa Rican fans, the US supporters were loud and energetic. To be honest, it was nice to see. The presence of soccer in the United States has definitely been increasing and it was evident last night, even though it was the B squad on the pitch. Maybe it was the booze, or the lure of bodacious Costa Rican babes, but the US supporters were pumped. The game got off to a fairly slow start. Much like the Cuba game, the first half was pretty lethargic. Both teams lacked any sort of will to create and seemed content simply to possess the ball and wait for something to happen. This would go on for the majority of the first half. If not for the rowdiness of the crowd, it would have been painful to watch. The game was also a bit chippy. There was definitely some bad blood between the two teams, perhaps left over from the winter wonderland game that took place in Colorado. Regardless, things were testy, as players blatantly were getting at one another. I remember looking up at the big screen and seeing a close up of Clarence Goodson. After getting in a bit of a scuffle with a Costa Rican forward, you could read Goodson's lips as he shouted, "You're a fucking pussy!" It was awesome. Anyways, that was pretty much the first half. Riveting stuff, I know. Both teams accomplished nothing that first half. The only time the American's posed any sort of threat was on crosses, something they should definitely focus on though, because they were dangerous from the wings. The second half was much of the same, accompanied by atrocious refereeing. When I say atrocious, I mean ATROCIOUS. Neither the linesmen nor the referee looked like they knew a single thing they were doing. It was terrible to watch. The only call they could make was offside. There were a few pivotal moments where the whistle should have been blown but was left dangling as decoration around the ref's neck. There were also times where play should have resumed, when the ref's decided they should probably do something so it doesn't look like they didn't know what was going on. Well guess what, it looked like you had no idea what was going on. Fucking ridiculous.

Finally, Jurgen was clearly getting fed up by the lack of drive, and subbed in Brek Shea and a few others in the second half. At this point, my brother and I looked at each other and simultaneously were like, "Fuck, that dude sucks!" Sorry Shea, but you really just aren't that good. From what I've seen from you so far, your touch is awful, awareness is awful, and you just look awkward as fuck. But of course, this is the fuck that's going to put it away for us. In the 82nd minute, after Costa Rica rips one off the woodwork, Donovan receives an outlet pass from Corona and sets off on the break. He finds a wide open Shea with nothing but the goalie and net in front of him. Shea might as well have closed his eyes and hoped for the best. He struck the ball directly at the keeper, who made an abysmal attempt to block the shot, as it went of the keepers hands and into the net. And that pretty much sums it up. Slow play, no intensity. If not for the crowd it honestly would've been pretty painful sitting through 90 minutes for that game. If the U.S. wishes to go anywhere in next year's World Cup, they're going to have to step it up. Focus on their strengths and find the will to win.                                              

Mortal Kombat!



Setting an important precedent here...a perfectly executed fatality on the pitch warrants a 14 game suspension. Who was saying soccer isn't a contact sport again?

Monday, July 15, 2013

The Statue WILL STAY


NBC - On his first official day as the owner of the English Premier League soccer club Fulham, Jaguars owner Shad Khan visited London prepared to talk about either of his teams, and how he believes he can advance the popularity of English soccer in the United States, and of American football in the United Kingdom. But Khan may have been taken aback by the big topic the British media wanted him to weigh in on: Michael Jackson. Khan bought Fulham from Mohamed Al Fayed, who erected a statue of the King of Pop outside the team’s Craven Cottage stadium. Many of the locals want to get rid of that statue, and Khan hesitated when asked whether he’ll keep the controversial likeness.
I’ve been an owner less than a day,” Khan said. “We have to preserve and respect history, but we have to move forward. I’ll reflect on it and listen to the fans, then decide.”
One problem: Al Fayed is deadly serious about the Jackson statue, and he insists that Khan can’t get rid of it. Al Fayed even turned to Khan and told him directly that he’d better not get rid of the statue if he knows what’s good for him.
“Michael Jackson will stay — it’s part of the deal,” Al Fayed said. “Are you listening to me about Michael Jackson? You promise now? Otherwise . . . I will take your moustache off.”
Let’s hope that’s not the case. Khan without his moustache would be like Michael Jackson without his glove.

I've always had a soft spot for Fulham. How could you not? Nice little team in London, always had an American connection. Pretty cool stadium but also never really been a threat as a team. But by far the most important part of Fulham FC is the Michael Jackson statue. Makes absolutely no sense at all but in some way it's just perfect. PB&J, Batman and Robin, Jacko and Fulham...like two peas in a pod. Blows my mind how some people want to get rid of it. Who wouldn't want the King of Pop associated with their team?  Here's to you, Al Fayed. 
PS - No statue = no mustache for Khan. Almost just as much of a crime against humanity. 

It's Wabbit Season


This past weekend, Sami Khedira stated that Bayern Munich will be "hunted" by Real Madrid, and other top European sides after their performance and victory at the Champions League. He was quoted saying, "Bayern Munich have to know that their international rivals intend on bringing back the balance. They are the hunted now." Those are some pretty strong statements from the German midfielder. Kind of ironic that he's German too, talking about hunting a German side. The majority of Real's confidence is a result of their new hire, Carlos Ancelotti, who had a solid season with PSG, and should only do better with a better side in Real Madrid. 

However, these statements aren't unwarranted. Bayern Munich has cemented a position above all squads as the best club side, surpassing the likes of Barcelona, Man U, and Real. They easily have the most well rounded squad, with quick wingers, decisive forwards, and a strong defense. I wouldn't be surprised at all to see them make a run for a Champions League repeat, especially with a Barcelona side whose defense is diminished and a Real side who is just too fancy in my opinion. However, if we get to see a match between Real and Bayern, I surely won't miss it. 

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Thursday, July 11, 2013

Sky Journalist Rips Roman Abramovich Apart



Very interesting viewpoint on the modern game.

Never Forget: Ian Darke and McManamanaman Outtakes

Only negative from NBC picking up EPL coverage is the loss of these 2 gentlemen. Absolute class acts. With an acute, effortless handle on the game and the perfect, syrupy drop of British wit, these guys have made my Saturday mornings and Monday afternoons for the last few years. Never tried to "Americanize" their commentating, just a straight from the heart, passion-filled, this-is-who-we-are job from day one. Opened my eyes to the the impact that deft,quality commentating can have on one's enjoyment of a sports match. Can't imagine they'll be out of sight for long but for now, cheerio you bongly wongly redcoats. Gonna pour some dry gin out for ya.

Top 20 Youth Barcelona Goals



Wanna feel like shit? Just watch these mini Messi's dangle their shit all over some poor kids. The whole idea of La Masia has always been pretty crazy to me. What do they do there? I picture some crazy cult where the kids are brainwashed but things appear to be all perfect on the outside. They probably have a crazy Night's Watch oath thing going on too. "Night gathers, and now my football career begins. It shall not end until my death. I shall take only supermodel wives, multi-million dollar Catalan estates and have many children. I shall win many trophies and have a glory-filled career. I shall live and die and the blue and red of the Barcelona kit. I am the passer of the ball. I am the retainer of the ball. I am the scorer of the ball. I pledge my honor to Barcelona for this night and all nights to come." That's how it has to be, right?

PS - I love how they throw the girls a bone and give that girl the #1 spot. I guess the bullshit PC American culture isn't just American at all. Not that it wasn't a good goal but how are you gonna pip Jorgito into that #2 spot? He scored off a bicycle kick and he might actually be smaller than the ball. Unbelievable.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Arsenal Knows How to Do Preseason Tour Promo Vids

Might need to change your underwear at :49.

John Terry's Father Arrested for Racist Attack



Ted Terry (Rex Features)

Terry family doing it big per usual. Not a lot of details to this story but I'm sure a hefty out of court settlement is coming in the near future. Is anyone really surprised? The apple clearly doesn't fall far from the tree but in the case of the Terry family, by apple, I mean "apples" and by tree, I mean "chavs." The list of family crimes reads like a Game of Thrones novel (John Terry's own takes up a majority of his Wikipedia page). His brother, clearly trying to outdo John, cheated on a teammate's wife resulting in the teammate committing suicide. His mother was arrested for essentially stealing flip flops and a tracksuit from a Wal-Mart (obviously the €200k a week couldn't solve that problem). And now his father is doing his part in polishing up the family name with a racist charge. Or, if you ask John, he was probably just repeating what he thought he overhead being said to him. Errr...right.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

Player Profile


Welcome to the Upperninety's first player profile. Being that I'm a Liverpool fan, naturally its going to be about Luis Suarez, he's talented, he's stupid. Suarez started his professional career at Groningen, then moved to Ajax where he made a name for himself, earning accolades such as Dutch Footballer of the Year in 2009-10. Finally he would end up at Liverpool, where he would help them win the League Cup. Suarez also represents his national team Uruguay, where naturally, he was sent off in his first appearance for dissent.

Quite the bit of controversy surrounding Suarez of late. Apparently the Uruguayan striker wants out of Liverpool, despite the clubs denial of trading him. Luckily, Arsenal's offer of 30 million euros (I don't know how to make the euros sign, fuck you) was rejected. Fuck you too Boo Berry, you're not getting our striker. Honestly, as dumb as Suarez is, I'd hate to see him leave. There's no denying his scoring ability and with Liverpool's recent stumble out of the top tier teams in the premiership, we could use his skill. Stevie G, god bless his soul (yeah I don't capitalize god), is getting old, there's no way around that. The team is rebuilding, hopefully they can pick up the right pieces in this transfer window. However, if Suarez keeps biting people and making racial slurs towards players, we might be forced to move him. Who knows though, this guy has a history of doing stupid shit. He's being doing it since he was fifteen and got tossed out of a game for head-butting a referee. Hate him or love him, the dudes got our attention.

WAG of the Day

Ilary Blasi, WAG of Francesco Totti. I don't know if she's really European or just really slutty. Either way she's owning it. Just tits everywhere. I've been looking at Picture #4 for some lip for 10 minutes.









Times Square Looks Beautiful Today




 Square bawl: Huge Bale poster at the 'crossroads of the world'

New ad for NBC's Premier League coverage this season. Clearly only one option here. 

Monday, July 8, 2013

Another Murder on the Pitch in Brazil



Just kidding. Just some kid running on to  the field and kissing Fred's feet. Fred...so hot right now. This explains a lot though. The guy just waltzes right up to him and nobody reacts. No teammates run over. The ref just stands there. The kid jogs back to his seat clapping. Looking like he's about to lift the World Cup. And then the security guard at 0:18 is like, "Oh there's a kid on the field." Referee chuckles and it's Game on. A lot different than America. Just makes you wonder what would happen if a mob ran on to the field and tried to behead the referee or something.

The Transfer Window: Lots of Smoke, Very Very Very Little Fire



Even though the European transfer window only occupies 1/4th of the calendar year, it’s become a full year worldwide circus. Rumors (and by “rumors,” I mean 95% complete bullshit) are churned out by every paper and source from the free sidewalk papers in London to the BBC and there are literally thousands of twitter handles claiming to be “in the know” reporting throughout the year on possible transfers and player movement. A good run of form by any young player on the continent will earn a back page headline linking him with any amount of top European clubs - the general format being _________ set to raid _______ for €15m rated _________. Most people are lured into the stories much too easily which results in fans sitting with their dicks in their hands on deadline day disappointed because not one of the big names they were “linked with” end up signing. This often results in frustration towards the front offices of clubs. The problem is this attitude of thinking that management didn’t try hard enough to sign a player (yes, I’m sure they’ve been sitting at home all off-season watching Debbie Does Dallas on repeat), or that they’re too stingy to throw out a couple extra million Euros to grab a top name, as if an €5m can be tossed around like monopoly money. Don’t people ever wonder, “Hey, maybe everything in the paper is complete bullshit?”

Perfect example of this has been for the past month or so with Tottenham being linked with David Villa. Villa signed today with Atletico Madrid for a very low sum of €5m after everyone on the internet has been quoting a €12m figure for the past couple of weeks between Spurs and Fiorentina. Not only that, but there were actually multiple outlets who claimed over the weekend that the fee had been agreed (some sources said Fiorentina, others Spurs – but no one Atletico) and that there would be further talks this week to iron out other details. Never mind the fact that the monetary figure was completely wrong, but knowing that Barcelona let him go for just €5m, one has to wonder, were Spurs even in for him at all? Is it possible that (audible gasp) the entire thing was completely made up to sell newspapers? Not to mention the Gareth Bale saga, as that pile of steaming trash Marca has been reporting for the better part of a year that Madrid were preparing an €80m bid for Bale, he was their number one transfer target, Zidane jerks off to his haircut every day, etc. Until today when the President Florentino Perez said that they haven’t even put in a bid for him and hinted even further that one was not coming this summer. I guess my point is simple. Any idiot or fan of a team knows their points of weakness and the kind of players that need to be signed. The transfer window provides a ridiculous, but in some ways necessary distraction during the soccer offseason. Knowing both these things, any smart person can use a filter to decide between the ridiculous, and the possibly somewhat reasonable. But most of all, don’t trust anyone but the team website.

             


Well, most of the time at least.

Saturday, July 6, 2013

Amateur Brazilian Match of the Day

An amateur football match in Brazil led to two deaths as a referee was beheaded by spectators after he had stabbed a player. The shocking incidents occurred in Maranhao, Brazil, last Sunday. According to reports, referee Otavio Jordao da Silva fatally stabbed footballer Josenir dos Santos Abreu. Dos Santos Abreu is believed to have struck the referee after questioning a decision. In retaliation, Jordao da Silva stabbed the player. Having witnessed the incident, an outraged group of spectators turned on the referee. He was tied up, beaten, stoned and quartered. They then put his head on a stake and planted it in the middle of the pitch. One man, Luiz Moraes de Souza, 27, has been arrested over the incident. Police are searching for two more suspects. Valter Costa is handling the case and, in a statement, he said: "One crime never justifies another crime. Actions likes this do not collaborate with the legality of state law."

Sounds about right.

Jozy Altidore Done Gone and Got Signed by Sunderland



Jozy "Kunta Kinte" Altidore has reportedly agreed on terms with Sunderland for the upcoming season. America's takeover of England continues. Put him down for at least 20 goals this year which hopefully means a whole lot more of this-

Friday, July 5, 2013

Breaking News: LD Says He's Old and Slow

Link to ESPN article here.

Some highlights:

"I'm a lot closer to where I'd like to be," Donovan said in a video released by US Soccer on Thursday. "Part of getting older is that you just don't have as much explosiveness, you're not as dynamic as you were, and that's all part of it and that's part of evolving in general.

"I'm excited about this opportunity to take it up a level and see how I do and see how I can perform at this level against competition that's going to be difficult, but I'm ready for it and I'm exicited for it and I think it's going to be a great month," Donovan said.

The headline of this article is a little misleading. But reading between the lines, it seems like LD is trying to temper the expectations of U.S. soccer fans across the country by telling them to not expect the same player that we've come to know. It's definitely going to be interesting watching him at the Gold Cup. But one has to wonder, if he's a step slow and doesn't have the kind of pace that he's always had, is a really a lock to start out wide over someone who does have that pace (Eddie Johnson or Fab)? Or someone like Zusi who is the best dead ball specialist/crosser of the ball that the U.S. has on the roster? 

Jurgen gave some credence to this idea where he is quoted in the article: "I come from a different background and in soccer it's normal to have to work your way back into the mix," said Klismann. "When someone takes time off or has an injury, we evaluate that case from zero. We respect the past accomplishments, but that doesn't help you tomorrow. It doesn't help you today."

LD's experience will be considered valuable among a young squad and there's virtually no doubt that he'll be in the squad going to Rio next summer. But he still has a lot to show and prove if he hopes to force his way into the starting XI. His first test will be next Tuesday night (July 9th) against Belize in Portland

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

WAG of the Day - Special Edition

Obviously Alex Morgan is not a WAG. But seeing as tomorrow is the 4th, I thought I should keep this one red, white and blue. Being the sweetheart that she is, there's really not enough scantily clad pictures of her on the internet as there should be. But I spent more time searching for them today than doing actual work. Just couldn't let America down like that...just couldn't do it.







Neymar Scores 45 yard goal

I don't know how I feel about Neymar. Kids definitely got skill, no question about that. General consensus seems to be there's no way he'd be able to put up like he did for Santos in the EPL. Honestly, I don't think he thinks he could either. Probably why he went to Barcelona instead of an EPL team. Speaking of Barcelona, Messi held a charity game the other day, in which Neymar was in attendance. The new teammates, along with other friends of Messi, took the opportunity to showcase their skills that evening. Neymar in particular had quite the goal, catching the keeper off guard and letting one go from 45 yards out. Check it out in the below video!


Dirk Crushing Life


This was a straight red, right? Going down with the grace of a sack of bricks. Stick to the hardwood, Dirky.

Wednesday's Wanka


Introducing Wednesday Wanka's, an Upper Ninety weekly post, where players are exemplified for their stupidity or general bad play. This week's winner is Wang Shouting, a Chinese midfielder from Shanghai Shenghua. In last Wednesday's match between Shenghua and Changchun Yatai, Yatai's Matt McKay thought it would be a good idea to waste some time, as his team was up 1-0 in the 90th minute. We all hate flopping,  no matter the sport, but particularly in soccer. The game catches enough of a bad rap as it is, so it really fucking pisses me off when players do stupid shit like this. Luckily, Shouting made the best of the moment by being an idiot, to put it nicely. After the two collided going up for a header, McKay began rolling around as if he just suffered a season ending injury. His intention was evident, and Shengua's Shouting didn't take to kindly to it. He proceeded to drag the "injured" player off the field so play could resume. Yatai players rushed to their teammates defense and a scuffled ensued, all culminating in a red for Shouting. Personally, if i was the referee, I would have congratulated him. In reality, Shouting was simply trying to get the player to stop being such a little bitch, something this sport desperately needs. See the action unfold in the video above. 

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Introducing the Socketball


From Now This News - Touring a power plant in Tanzania, the President kicked around a Socket soccer ball - an invention that's aimed at bringing easily accessible power to remote regions. The soccer ball has an internal pendulum that generates power; if it's kicked around for 30 minutes, it can power a lamp for several hours.

Genius. Just pure genius. Leave it to Harvard grads. On a more serious note, look at Obama's kick up skills. I've always thought the only reason the U.S. is behind on soccer is because the Lebrons and Adrian Petersons of the world are playing basketball and football instead of soccer (or in this case being the President) and this is 100% proof. Just pure technique and swag like you read about. I honestly thought this was Neymar.


Monday, July 1, 2013

Picture of the Day


Brazilians protest government funding of soccer stadiums for the Confederations Cup and World Cup... While attending the Confederations Cup final. 

Brazilian Defender Too Deep In Thought

                The outstanding victory of the Brazilian national soccer team this Sunday was a milestone accomplishment that will help propel this team to the soaring heights they are accustomed to.  However, the victory would be overshadowed by the devastating loss of Brazilian defender David Luiz.

                
                 David Luiz was the backbone of the Brazilian defense, time after time coming to their rescue. The Chelsea defenseman’s skill and athleticism were once again on display Sunday evening, as he slid into his own net managing to deflect the shot over the crossbar. To paint the picture, Spain was on the break. Play was developing in the middle (as usual), outside the eighteen, as Pedro made a run on the right flank receiving an outlet pass from his midfield. Luiz was in transition racing back to cover the weak side as Pedro let fly a precision shot across goal. Just as the ball was ready to cross the line, Luiz came flying in to repel it. This was perhaps a bit of foreshadowing, as Luiz would gracefully slide into heaven as he did his own net. 

                 The Brazilian defender was found dead on the pitch several hours after the game. The autopsy showed that David Luiz died of an aneurism. Following the trophy ceremony, the Brazilian team had a night out on town. They all met at Le Loft, a bar in the city. After several drinks, many members of the team noticed that David was nowhere to be found. They tried contacting him several times via his cell but received no response. After some time, they grew worried and went to see if they could locate him at his apartment in Fortaleza. When they arrived to his vacant apartment, tensions grew unsteady and the police were phoned. Later, that night at around 4 AM, David Luiz was found dead in the stadium at center field. Here are the last images taken of David Luiz before his death.

Till Next Time, 

Don Juan

P.S. He's not really dead. This is a fucking joke.