In Case You Missed It

12/10 on the skill factor.  Why the fuck is this guy in the MLS?

The End of the Transfer Window is Nigh

I've told myself about 4,789 times this summer that I wouldn't pay attention to transfer window activities unless they were finalized deals. I failed every single time. Bought every rumor up, thought I knew the "trusted" sources. Might've lost a few years off my life. I could not be happier that it's almost over (although a last second Arsenal signing of.. might... just.. nevermind). Come Monday, performance on the pitch is all that matters. Let's do dis.

Awesome South American Soccer Footage (Pt. 463)

Grade A entertainment right here starting with Gabriel Iglesias bursting down the right before a vicious tackle brings him down. Did he just catch some steel or did a wild lion bite off his foot at the ankle? TBD. I'm going to go with the latter though based on his reaction, the TRIPLE ROLLOVER. Moving right on to 16 seconds in and you've got arguably the most flamboyant red card in the history of South America. Followed immediately after by FATALITY! Execution 10/10 (make sure you watch the slow motion). Slow gold clap by the Paraguayan faithful...just another day in paradise.

Goal of the Week

Simply. Dzeko.

Note: Dzeko must always be said in a deep thick Eastern European accent.

Well Done.

Taken from the Sounders v. Timbers game last night...

THEE CHAMPIONSSSS

Dispelling unfounded doubts about Arsenal Football Club following a horror loss to Aston Villa this past weekend, the Gunners showed the world their true form in a comfortable thrashing of Turkish side Fenerbache on Tuesday in Istanbul. Their combination of incisive passing, interchangeable positional movement, and a killer instinct invoked an electric hybrid of Dutch football circa the mid 70s and Barcelona of this past decade. The win all but assures their birth in the world's premier sporting competition which itself ensures a big name signing or two before the transfer window closes (cough cough Karim Benzema cough cough). This, in turn, objectively makes them league favorites as well as making an FA Cup triumph a foregone conclusion. The Royal Baby has reportedly gotten the classic Arsenal cannon insignia tattooed on his forehead in celebration, Arsene Wenger is scheduled to be knighted Thursday, and Chumbawumba has reformed and announced an upcoming world tour and double LP. All in all, everything is back to normal and everyone can resume their daily lives.

US Team Answers Questions about MJ

Oldie but goodie. This was before the final of the 2009 Confederations Cup (also the time that Michael Jackson died) and LD and the U.S. team we're bombarded with several questions about paying tribute to him in their game by the foreign press. You can see LD having trouble holding back a laugh, and then when the second question comes at 2:03, his look at Bob was priceless. Like, "Is this guy fucking serious?" I think we all know who was asking those questions by the way. Looking at you Mohamed...

Piece of Wisdom of the Day

Thanks Lukas.

Goal of the Week

Was waiting for the Man City game yesterday to see if anyone would step up to the throne but Goal of the Week has to go to Frank Lampard. 53 and still getting it done. Chelsea looked SHARP against Hull. I'm still not really sure how they only scored twice.

Barca's Destruction of Levante Makes for Nice Viewing

Soccer porn at it's finest here. Just absolute demolition. Probably doesn't get more demoralizing from Levante's point of view. Down 6-0 at halftime of the opening game of the season and from the looks of this video they didn't even possess the ball outside of their own box for 90 minutes. Just an average day for Barca in La Liga against everyone but Madrid. Probably had 98% possession and 36 shots on target per usual.

Palace v. Spurs - They Were Who We Thought They Were

Seeing as Palace won the playoff round to reach the Premier League, they're a popular pick with the "pundits" to go straight back down this season. What I expected was a under-average side that was going to be buoyed by their fans and that's pretty much exactly what we got. Most of the commentator's praise was reserved not for the team, but the great atmosphere that the fans created (and it was pretty awesome). Palace were virtually a non-threat aside from the last 15 minutes when some subs came on. While they were organized and very strong at the back, there was not much of an option going forward for most of the game which caused the possession and shots gap. For Spurs, I'd sum up the performance as solid but wasteful. There should have been at least 3 in the back of the net by the time Palace finally started to play which made for a nervy ending but overall you have to be pleased with the showing considering how many new faces came into the team. On to the ratings...

Hugo - 9. Assured in everything he did. Rushed out of the box to make a tackle on Gayle for probably Palace's best chance. Also had a great double save in the dying moments to preserve the points.

Walker - 6.5. All I can say about KW is he's really fast. This makes him look great in certain situations but when he's forced to use his brain he struggles. Looked bright early but a Championship full back had his one on one move figured out within the first 30 minutes. Needs to improve still.

Daws - 6. Started very slow. Passing was poor. A fully fit Kaboom will easily take his place in the team with performances like that.

SuperJan - 8. Solid throughout.

Rose - 7.5. Admirable shift. Show's a willingness to keep the ball on the floor and make runs into the box which is great compared to Benny who sometimes seems to eager to just whip crosses into the box from advanced positions. Defensively did well too.

Lennon - 7. My only criticism is he needs to get crosses in more quickly. Had a couple runs to the byline that could have been goals if he was more decisive. But he drew the penalty that won the game and was able to get in behind Palace's back line several times with smart runs.

Pauly - 8. An absolute rock in the middle of the park. The scary thing is he can do much better.

Moose - 7. Didn't get on the ball as much as I'd like to see but did a lot of the dirty work per usual. Had a nice shot that tipped the crossbar in the opening stages.

Aladdin - 7.5. Confident and dangerous. He was a little too selfish at times but he's trying to make an impression as well. Expect big things ahead.

Iceman - 7. Should have scored. Forced an incredible save in the first half and missed an easy chance that could have put the game away in the second but seemed to float in and out of the game.

Bobby Soul - 8.5. Was not involved enough through no fault of his own. Every run and touch was smart. Well struck penalty and showed great willingness to get everyone involved.  

---Subs---

Monsieur Capoue - 9. What a cameo. Had more interceptions in 33 minutes of playing time than West Ham, Sunderland and Hull had as teams in 90. As 'Arry probably would more eloquently say, "E's a big strong boy."

Defoe - 7.5. Lively and energetic but how the fuck did he not bury his chance? Should have scored.

Kaboom - N/A. Welcome back.

Post Mortem Week 1

de·spair  (Noun) - The complete loss or absence of hope.

Yesterday was not fun.  Fuck yesterday.  I hate yesterday.  3-1 to Aston Village is not the way to start a treble-seeking campaign.

I wouldn't trust Wenger and Gazidis to buy a bus ticket right now. They've reduced us to utter laughing stocks. #Arsenal #WENGEROUT
— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) August 18, 2013

I still think #Suarez will be coming soon.  Please please please.  Please.

I feel like crying.

Free Money - Week 1

Going to try and make this a weekly segment - bringing you the best bets for this weekend's Premier League action...not that I'm a betting man, that would be illegal. If, however, I were one, I'd have my life savings on Sunderland at -1/2 for +125. 

Sunderland is a team I have my eye on this year. It's their first full season under Di Canio and I think Jozy is going to be one of the signings of the season (my completely biased opinion). As for Fulham, we all know I have a soft spot for the Cottage Jackos but they've notoriously had some of the worst away form over the past couple years and without really upgrading this summer, I think they're a dark horse candidate for relegation. Combining these two facts, and what is to sure to be an electric atmosphere at the Stadium of Light (err...maybe) on Saturday, we've got our first Mortal Lock of the Season. 

Are You Serious?

This is absolutely ridiculous. Not sure how much it'll diminish his chances of making the World Cup squad, but if this were Colombia and not the Czech Republic, he'd be shot by now.

Jozy!

A couple notes:
1. Longest winning streak in the world right now at 12.
2. First time ever a U.S. team has come from behind to win a game on European soil.
3. Jozy and Michael Bradley share Man of the Match.

NBC's NYC Premier League Map Makes No Sense

Okay I’m assuming this thing was thrown together without any thought being put into it because it makes absolutely zero sense. A bunch of things immediately come to mind:

• Newcastle should be in Harlem. I mean jailbird colors and underprivileged poor people go pretty much hand in hand, no?

• Cardiff in Brooklyn? I mean obviously hipsters can’t choose a really established side which rules about half the teams out. I’d say Brooklyn should be half Cardiff to cover some hipsters and then the other half should be blank to cover the hipsters who will stop following once soccer becomes popular.

• Spurs on the Upper West side with all the other Yids. Absolute no brainer.

• Liverpool takes Newcastle’s spot in Staten Island. My justification is that both people’s accents are incredibly annoying and borderline foreign.

• Fulham. Jacko. Chinatown. Somehow that makes sense.

• Man City has to move down to the Lower East Side with all the rich finance douches.

• Hull City are now the “Hull City Tigers” so they go to the Bronx (and the zoo).

• Chelsea move up the lower east side to…(drum roll) Chelsea. Really elementary stuff here.

• West Ham goes to the East Village (for those who don’t know, West Ham actually plays in East London. Talk about a mindfuck).

Can anyone think of anything else?

The Before and After

The before (1:04):





The after:

Oh My God Sergio Ramos

Goal of the Day

As Andy Gray would say, take a bow son. So yeah...soccer season starts in 5 days. That's pretty cool, right?

Ronaldo Denies Celebration Insulting Mourinho

In case ya missed it, Jose Mourinho took a swipe at Ronaldo earlier this week by saying that he "coached the real Ronaldo" in reference to his time with the Brazilian Ronaldo as an assistant with Barcelona (really hard to believe he was actually involved with them). Anyway, assuming that the Special One wasn't playing mind games in order to unsettle the really Special One before the final of the prestigious Guiness™ Black Lager™ International Champions Cup™ 2013™, we can assume that Ronaldo may have had a hand in all the locker room unrest that happened in the latter stages of last season and Mourinho wanted to take one last snip at him...which caused the above celebration as CR7 turned towards the bench where Mourinho was staring. If you ask Ronaldo, he was looking at his bench, but we all know what he was thinking in this head.



FYI - any semblance of an excuse I can ever find to post this video, it will be posted.

Cristiano Being Cristiano

A pretty funny moment in Real's game against Chelsea, when a fan runs onto the field to show some appreciation to his favorite player. This isn't the first time this has happened, really leads me to question what kind of shitty security these stadiums have.

Young LFC Fan Wants Suarez Gone

Unless you want to see a bunch of nondescript mumbling from a bunch of Scousers, skip to about 0:35 of the video. A lot of talk about loyalty and money but I think the kid hits the nail on the head in the most logical way I've heard yet.

Balotelli Playing the Italian National Anthem on Piano

Mario being Mario. Playing a little tune under the supervision and guidance of Uncle Andrea. Just another calm day in the Italy camp.

Kid's A Clown

I guess Neymar likes to dance. A lot. Only makes sense that the 21 year old would be the life of the locker room party, but you're not on Santos anymore. At Barcelona, people actually give a shit. Not to say you can't have fun and enjoy yourself, but after your debut game you should think a little less about goofing off and maybe a little more about hitting the gym. I have a lot of hope for Neymar, kid could be brilliant. As of right now though he's proving all his haters right. Kid needs to put on some weight and gain some strength, otherwise he'll be tossed around like a rag doll all season.

And We Have Our First Red of the Season

Gary Liddle of Notts County. 

FATALITY

Premier League Derby Themed Subways Courtesy of NBC

Gotta hand it to NBC. Just good move after good move. Maybe I wasn't as aware of this kind of stuff when FOX won the Premier League bid a couple of years ago but I'm pretty sure NBC is just shitting all over them in terms of marketing the game and getting people interested. There's also apparently a phone app related to this that asks people random questions in order for them to pick their team. I guess that means there might be a couple of suckers walking around in Cardiff jerseys this fall but whatever. Probably a more insightful move would be to watch the hour-long special on Thursday night that's supposed to go through each team in order to also help people pick one. My only advice would be to Keep Calm and don'tfuckingpickManCityorillgutyoulikeafish.

Jason Sudeikis Coaches Spurs for a Day

By Jason Sudeikis, I mean Coach Ted Lasso. "How many countries are in this country!?"

 8/10

WAG of the Day

Another week in the books. We did it. Introducing Soledad Fandino, WAG of Gonzalo Higuain. She is  an Argentine star of stage and scr- ah who am I kidding, you don't care. Here are the pictures.

Editor's Note: Apparently she is the EX WAG of Higuain. Yeah, I'd kick her out of my bed too.

The Soldier Has Arrived

First true #9 since Berbatov (no disrespect to Frazier Campbell, Pav, Crouch, Keane, Defoe, Ade). No one has scored more goals in Spain since 2010 than Roberto Soldado. Well besides Messi and Ronaldo. Anyway, let's cue the motherfucking Skrillex.

 

Epic Lettuce

Here are some soccer players with ridiculous flow.... Enjoy!

5 Ridiculous Goals

5 absolutely ridiculous goals. Number 2 should've been number 1.

Ronaldo Throws Out First "Pitch" at Dodgers Game

Anddd ball one. Puig was nice enough to give CR7 a mulligan there but I'd still say he's still behind in the count 2-0. At least every American male over the age of 9 can take solace in the fact that although we may never be as rich, beautiful or talented as Ronaldo, at least we don't throw a baseball like a sissy.